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Parenting: A constant evolution By
Justin Smart Books have been written about it. Experts have lectured about it. Gossip has circulated about it. In fact, it seems that all of society talks about it at one time or another, and yet we still don't have the perfect answers about how to do it, nor can most people agree about it. The "it" is parenting, and to listen to people talk you'd think it was the hardest thing in the world to do. I'm finding out they're often right. Listen more closely, though, and they'll also say it's the most rewarding thing in a person's life when it's done right. So what exactly is it? Webster's dictionary defines it as follows: "The work or skill of a parent in raising a child or children." Sounds simple, but from what I can tell, it's not nearly that basic. Parenting has been on my mind lately because the time has come for my wife and me to give it a try. I am as new a dad as they come, and from here on out I either learn and implement or stay ignorant and flounder. So I decided to do a little research on this topic in hopes of finding a consensus amidst all the gossip and expert advice that's floating around out there. (I've kept in mind, of course, that gossip and expert advice are often interchangeable.) What I've found is that there is no consensus. But amidst all the opinions and all the parenting books and web sites, a common thread is discernible: the desire of parents to succeed. It's logical to assume that most everyone wants to succeed or there wouldn't be as much information about parenting available as there is. The plethora of web sites I found alone testifies to the fact that people are hungry for tips and hints when it comes to the task of raising their kids. Well believe me, there is no shortage. One web site I found, for instance, had a section exclusively for dads, filled with links to more sites than I had time to visit in an entire afternoon. Being a dad myself, however, I ventured in. I found page after page with titles such as "Five Myths of Fatherhood" and "Seven Fears Expectant Fathers Face." A virtual library of advice was there at my fingertips just tantalizing me with the possibility of becoming that perfect dad. Yet another web search took me to Oklahoma State University's parenting research center web site. Here I found a page touting a "multi-disciplinary approach...to the complex problems of today's society" for all interested parents like me. Still further web searching took me to a site titled simply, "Discipline of Young Children." Here I found the steps to take when my new daughter decides to act up in public. At the bottom of the page I found five links to even further information from parental anger to assertive communication. So what am I getting at? I'm demonstrating, in a small way, how bombarded a parent can feel when trying to get the information to help him or her do the right thing. From Babycenter.com to Fatherhood.org, everyone out there is saying something. The challenge is to find the information that's right for you. In this search for the best information, there are, thankfully, places one can go to find guidance. I found such a place in an Internet discussion group. All I did was join a listserv titled simply "Discussion of Parenting," and I was immediately added to a lively discussion about topics ranging from spanking to self-esteem. I readily chimed in and asked about the first-time parenting experiences of others. The responses I got were many and varied. For example, Jeffrey Ross of Spanish Fork responded, "For me, the favorite part of parenting is the satisfaction I get from experiencing life with someone who is learning everything for the first time. Trying to answer all my children's questions is wonderful for me." Olga Rapel-Faust was a bit more inclined to give advice. In her post she said, "My husband and I have our moments when we want to pull all of our hair out. But most of the time it's very rewarding. "Make sure you spend time with your child," she continued. "Get to know him (her) and let them know who daddy really is. Talk to them but most importantly, listen to them. You will learn a lot by just listening to them." It is here that I started to feel like I was getting customized advice. People were responding to my personal questions, and it was nice. As other topics blossomed, however, things became more interesting. I knew when spanking came up, those differing opinions I alluded to earlier would rise to the surface. Differing opinions actually turned out to be an understatement. When one list member we'll call "Kim" subtly compared another member we'll name "Mike" to Hitler for spanking his child, that's when it all broke loose. My e-mail inbox filled to capacity as everyone chimed in on the subject of spanking. As parents will, however, "Mike" and "Kim" patched it up. In a post addressed to Mike, Kim said, "I'm afraid my point may have been misconstrued, and for that I apologize. My intention was never to compare you to Hitler for spanking your child. I only wanted to demonstrate that blind compliance out of fear is not a good thing." Notice that while apologizing for the misconception, Kim still stuck to her guns. That's what I love about parents. If I've learned anything from my research, it's that if a parent believes something is good for their children, they really believe it. It may be stubborn, but I admire the fact that parents will fiercely defend those parenting techniques they believe are best for their children. As my search for parenting information continued, another topic arose: what has improved parenting lately? Everything from fathers helping more at home to breast pumps helping families keep pace with society emerged as "breakthroughs" in the process of parenting. "With so much going on these days, it's tough to keep up," said Greg Hatch, a senior at Utah State University, when asked about new technology that helps families in a modern age. "Breast pumps allow a baby to get the nutrients of mother's milk on the go." Most important to a another discussion group member was father involvement. "I think most importantly, fathers are taking a much more active role in raising their children these days," he said. "Fathers play such a huge role!" Why do I bring this up? To highlight my original point. Parents all have their own opinion about things, and often, all the differing opinions have merit. To one, a parenting milestone is Dad's staying home, while to another it's a gizmo that helps families out. So what's a new parent to do with all this information and all these differences of opinion? After much searching and great pondering I believe I've found the answer: Read everything you possibly can, talk to other parents, whether online or in person, ask your own mom and dad for their success stories and then go out and create your own parenting style. Chances are you'll be the one to get it right. You see, that common striving for perfection is really what drives the whole debate and fosters all the progress. I think a quote I found at the top of "Father's Forum Online" sums this constant struggle up very well: "One Hundred Years from now it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove...but the world may be different because I was important in the life of a child." For my daughter's sake, and for the sake of the generation of tomorrow, I hope that we can all sift through the information overload that's out there and find the stuff that will make us important to our kids. After all, when the debate's over, we're all in this together, and the common goal is success.
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