Sort your friends according to my chocolate test

By Leslie Mason

It's official. There are three types of people in this world: chocolate lovers, chocolate likers, and chocolate dislikers.

Chocolate lovers are the ones who will truly appreciate the merit of this column. You may continue reading after grabbing your favorite chocolate form.

Chocolate likers will mostly be offended by what follows. Keep reading anyway. It's no fun to write an article if there's no one to make angry.

Chocolate dislikers, I don't like you. Stay or leave, I don't really care. Just don't spill any of your non-chocolate snacks on my piece. They taint the purity of a chocolate article.

Although grouping people based solely on the type of chocolate they appreciate may seem harsh and judgmental, finding out what someone likes can help you draw necessary conclusions about that person's character. Judging a person on their chocolate habit is as fair as judging them by their sense of style. The only difference is that their chocolate preference will tell you more about their personality than their striped socks and polkadot pajamas can.

The following information is a generalization formed from years of the study of chocolate, pursued personally, and my conclusions from that study. You'll notice there are no statistics about what percentage of people fell into which category or any of that bladee-bla, just bare facts. Facts are much more beneficial.

If used correctly, chocolate ideals can work like a horoscope. If you meet a new handsome person and you feel you may develop an interest in that handsome person, the first thing you should ask them is how they like their chocolate. Trust me, it may save you a lot of headache in the long run.

First, to establish the categories being discussed, chocolate lovers are those people who will accept chocolate in any form at any time. Dark, milk, or liquid it's all the same and it's all bliss.

Chocolate likers are people who will eat chocolate yet are non-committal in their feelings for chocolate. They seem to enjoy it, yet they do not seek chocolate and may be heard to state that something is "too chocolatey." They are referred to in the Bible as blasphemers.

Chocolate dislikers are bizarre creatures who actually avoid chocolate for a variety of reasons. No other explanation is needed for these poor lost souls.

Now for the breakdown.

True adorers of chocolate tend to be bold, outgoing, and confident. They are willing to set high goals, though if they don't achieve them they won't be crushed. They have strong personalities and like directing other people. Females who love chocolate are generally more stressed than the typical individual, while males who love chocolate are more relaxed and easygoing. There is no documented reason for this anomaly.

The mediocre in the chocolate world are just that: mediocre. If a person says that they could take or leave chocolate, you should leave them. These people have no conviction in their lives. They are smart enough but not stimulating intellectually, have several hobbies that they do well but nothing they'll win awards for, and may achieve a semi-successful status but will never be leaders in this world. If someone cannot commit to chocolate convincingly, it is doubtful they will ever truly excel in any other facet of life. How a man treats his chocolate, he treats his life.

Last to be examined are the chocolate leavers. People in this category are stubborn, haughty, and opinionated. They are the cutthroats of this dog-eat-dog world. An argument between two chocolate dislikers will end like a wrestling match between a lawyer and a shark; no one really cares who wins because the world will be better off either way. However, chocolate dislikers tend to be extremely successful for the short time they manage to avoid the chocolate mafia.

This chocolate tier, if used appropriately, will help you evaluate the people around you to make life a little more enjoyable. Sip a cup of cocoa while you think about the anti-chocolate friends you may need to cut from your circle.

NW
JJ