Christmas tunes played in November could destabilize U.S. happiness stats

By Leslie Mason

November 26, 2007 | I sigh in relief. Finally. Alone in my apartment, I can indulge in my secret pleasure: pre-Christmastime Christmas music. Many people are of the opinion that Christmas music before Thanksgiving is a cruel torture that may make them happy before they are actually forced to paste a smile on and growl "Merry Christmas" to the grocery clerk and the barber.

I live with awful anti-Christmas-music people like this.

My roommate, a tall brunette with a bizarre taste in cup designs, saunters in through the front door and then stops as if she's just stepped in a puddle of drying super glue.

"WHAT are you listening to?" She stares at me sideways, worried that looking at me straight on might expose her to the listening-to-Christmas-music-and-having-too-much-holiday-cheer disease I carry. I humbly exit out of my iTunes window and mumble some excuse about having my playlist on random. She shakes her head dismally, mourning the loss of sanity in yet another friend, and wanders from the room.

Understandably, no one wants joyful proclamations of giving and love blasted from the radio for more than three weeks of the year. Our country's happiness statistics might increase and then we'd have an equal increase of problems preventing illegal immigrants from surging into our borders. Better to be miserable and alone than happy and have to share the joy.

But more dire things than increased immigration could happen. If everyone started listening to Christmas music early, Thanksgiving would eventually disappear in a blur of Christmas wreaths and caroling. Though I enjoy "All I Want for Christmas," I dearly love turkey and the tryptophan-induced comas that occur.

The more I contemplate the subject, the more catastrophic consequences I can see resulting from playing the evil "Jingle Bells" too early. Global warming will worsen, children will begin doing drugs earlier, every household will be forced to own a cat, Hillary will become President, and *24* will be canceled. I have direct lines of thought that prove how early Christmas music is linked to each of these, but unfortunately this article is too short to list my reasoning. Just trust me on this.

Gotcha.

So, are we agreed yet? Nothing too dire will result from my listening to Christmas music a few weeks longer than the average Joe.

Some people never take their Christmas lights down all year.

Husbands buy roses for their wives when it's not even close to Valentine's Day.

Kids eat Halloween candy for months.

Old people find their Easter eggs weeks after they were hidden.

People are allowed to buy fireworks for the 4th of July any time throughout practically the entire summer.

Yet I get flack for wanting to enjoy the Christmas spirit in the middle of October.

My roommate's sole argument against my choice in music is that "it gets old." That would be a justification I would consider if she didn't listen to Hannah Montana. As it is, I feel that Manheim Steamroller, the Chipmunks, Enya, Bing Crosby, and Forbidden Broadway provide a much more sophisticated variety than Disney teen pop stars.

However, I have arrived at a solution to my dilemma. Earphones. I will listen to all the Christmas music I want when I feel the desire, and I promise if at any moment I receive word it causes an increased rate in heart disease, I'll find another holiday to dote on.

NW
MS