Jealousy is love's No. 1 enemy

By Whitney Hancock

November 9, 2007 | For many of us, it is a familiar sensation. The quickening of the heart rate. The feeling like a heavy rock landing in the pit of the stomach. The tight smile and burning look in the eye. The defensive nature that immediately follows.

We all get jealous. We all have a strange, possessive feeling of those with whom we are involved. Admit it, you do it too. It is a completely natural emotion. But that doesn't mean it can't be unhealthy. In fact, superfluous amounts of jealousy might be the most unhealthy emotion one can have. Let me explain.

Merriam-Webster defines "jealous" (and/or jealousy) as "disposed to suspect rivalry or unfaithfulness, vigilant in guarding a possession." Wow. Those are some pretty nasty words associated with jealousy. Add to the list envy, covetousness, resentment, suspicion, distrust (all synonyms of the word) and you've pretty much got all of the most negative attributes rolled into a single characteristic. So ask yourself these two questions: Would you consider yourself a jealous person? And, if so, what does that say about you?

I recently had an experience with my boyfriend in which I was introduced to my jealous nature. The entire time, I felt my anger was irrational, but the horrible jealous feeling was there. After the incident blew over, I was embarrassed. And I reflected about how such a silly occurrence could bring out this horrible quality that, before, I didn't think I even possessed. And I realized that though the incident was something that needed to be addressed and resolved, the fault was ultimately my own. Jealousy is an issue of self.

I'm not a resentful person. I'm not suspicious or distrustful.

Am I?

Admitting jealousy is the hardest part; admitting we do in fact possess these negative qualities. Though the extent and implications of which can vary, jealousy is not a desirable characteristic.

I really didn't like how it felt to be jealous, but more so, I didn't like how it made me appear. I felt foolish and unappealing. I think this is because jealousy, and all the horrible qualities associated with it, brings out the worst in us. Situations like the one I've described magnify our imperfections because jealousy might very well be the most unattractive quality we have.

I think it is important to try and bring your best self into a relationship. This doesn't mean putting on a face so that the other person thinks you're someone completely different, without imperfections. Rather, this means bringing your most healthy self to the table. Jealousy might be the most detrimental attribute that you can bring into a relationship. Just as trust, respect, and understanding are healthy qualities that will strengthen your relationship, the qualities of resentment, suspicion, and distrust that embody jealousy will destroy it.

So I'm talking to you, all you people out there in a relationship that, despite your best efforts, is probably pretty fragile. You might even still be baffled by the reality that you are actually involved with this amazing person. You might feel undeserving -- you might even be undeserving. But take advantage of this precious gift you've been given. Don't make yourself even more undeserving by being jealous. Why mess with a good thing? Why put it in jeopardy because of petty misunderstandings or distrust?

I'm not saying to trust your lover blindly. But hopefully trust has been earned and developed in your relationship. And if it hasn't, well, work to cultivate that before you allow yourself to be jealous. And be forgiving when you recognize jealousy in your significant other. Remember that it is a difficult emotion to surmount, and it is a hard realization to come to.

I am a firm believer in the fact that communication is key. That's the only way I got past my own recent incident of jealousy. It's the only way we survive most things in our relationship. If you are a jealous person, and you find this emotion aroused in you more often than is comfortable, talk to your boy/girlfriend about your feelings. You will be able to recognize each other's imperfections and work to minimize their negative effects. And I promise you, it will make your life so much easier.

NW
MS