Want fries with that? McDonald's cost more but taste better

By Joseph Sheppard

November 6, 2006 | To the casual consumer, fast food fries are fast food fries. College students haunt dollar-menu chains late at night not because they are looking for textures and flavors delicately woven together to make a tantalizing tapestry of a meal, but simply to fill their stomachs. But buyer beware -- not all cheap fries are the same.

To prove this point I hit up the big three -- you know who I'm talking about: McDonald's, Wendy's, and Burger King -- for a late lunch and ordered a large fry from each. I then systematically tested each order of fries for price, size, heat, texture, flavor, greasiness and flammability.

Now, you may ask, why flammability? Well those of us that have spilled a large order over a pair of beige Dockers on a date know that as dry as those babies may sometimes seem, each one is just a little grease sponge. My thoughts go back to scout campouts and the poor guy who always showed up with fries and a Big Mac instead of a tasty burnt tinfoil dinner like the rest of us. The thought of 15 scouts emptying their water balloon arsenal on the guy as a random spark bursts his fries into flames is enough to make this socially conscious journalist go out and do some research.

Now, McDonald's tipped the scales on price. A large order of their fries cost $1.89 compared to a cool $1.69 for an order at either Burger King or Wendy's. But, don't let that make you turn up your nose when you visit the drive-through at 2 a.m. A large order of fries at McDonald's has perhaps 30 percent more fries than Wendy's and almost twice as much as a Burger King order. I'm talking pure fry weight too, not just fry count.

After receiving my order, I immediately pulled over my car to test for heat. As far as I'm concerned, the hotter the better. McDonald's fries were warm on the fingers and hot on the tounge -- very nice. Burger King's were simply warm and Wendy's were piping hot.

Now down to the nitty gritty -- flavor. Of course, none of these fries are big gourmet steak fries or savory batter-covered fries, but considering they were all standard grease fries, there was a big difference in taste. McDonald's certainly has perfected the standard salty fry flavor. But Burger King has something on them: something I can't quite put a finger on. It's almost as if their seasoning were nine parts salt and one part Lowry's seasoning. They are salty, but have just a little more, almost like a battered fry. Poor Wendy's, on the other hand, seemed unevenly and underly salted with the back-of-your-tongue soapy flavor of undercooked potato.

On to texture. McDonald's standard skinny fries were, as expected, crunchy on the outside and and soft on the inside, almost like a Krispy Kreme. Burger King's were prettier, fuller, and healthier looking fries, but couldn't beat McDonald's on the crunchy-creamy contrast. Wendy's left me wondering if I had gotten a bad batch. Instead of being crispy on the outside, they were simply stiff. Their inside was overly soft.

Now, to test greasiness I used a method I learned from Bill Nye the Science Guy as a kid. I took three fries from each chain (four from McDonald's because they are smaller) and rubbed them on a paper bag. I rubbed them hard enough to press their grease into the bag, but not so hard as to smear potato guts on it. I let the grease dry and returned later to check out which fries were the greasiest.

The prize goes to Wendy's. The grease of three fries had completely soaked through the bag and saturated an area the size of the bottom of a medium soft drink cup. Although both McD's and BK had also left a disgusting amount of grease, there was not enough to soak through like Wendy's had. I like Wendy's and I'm sad to report their fries being so generally inferior. The question that now utterly consumed my scientific mind whether the fries were sufficiently greasy to burst into flame if properly sparked. I won't disclose my methods except to say my wife was not happy about what I was doing in her kitchen. There were flames and the danger of melting Tupperware.

I'm not a smoker, but I have always wondered what would happen if someone smoking over a serving of fries were to let a bit of hot ash fall onto the greasy, glistening mass. I am relieved to report to you that that person and their car would not burst into flames and block the drive-through. French fries are not flammable. French fries soaked in extra vegetable oil are not flammable. Burger King bags soaked in grease are flammable and put off a lot of smoke, even as they are hurled, roaring with flames, into the kitchen sink. However, they do not seem to be any more flammable or smoky than Burger King bags not soaked in grease as they are hurled into the kitchen sink.

As for those late night trips to the drive-through, if you're in the mood for fries I suggest heading over to McDonalds. Pay the extra 20 cents and get some really good french fries. They've been making them for a long time now and I think they've really got it figured out.

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