Every day a battle for woman who turned to purging for self-image

By Camille Blake

May 10, 2005 | Roberta couldn't get the image of the "thick rubbery, blob," out of her head. After dinner she headed towards the bathroom, turned on the sink to distort the sound and purged. After she was done, she brushed her teeth. This became routine for her.

Roberta -- who asked that her real name not be printed -- was a dancer at a young age. She always received comments about her small physique. Her metabolism and her active dancing kept her at a weight she was comfortable with. When she quit dancing, that's when everything changed.

"When I stopped dancing, I kept eating and gained a few pounds," Roberta said. "I was used to people saying, 'You are so tiny' and other things like that. When all of that stopped, I freaked out."

Roberta, 24, remembers being in a home-economics class when she was 14. The lesson was on fat. A glass jar displayed a pound of rubber, meant to represent a pound of fat, sat in front of the class. The thought of the large piece of rubber stuck in her mind, Roberta said. Every time she ate anything, she pictured taking a bite of the "thick, rubbery blob." Around that time is when she started purging.

Every day is a battle, said Roberta. Some days she wants to eat healthfully and can't wait to exercise. But other days she wants to eat sugar, or fatty foods.

"At the beginning, I didn't try to fight it at all, and I didn't want to," said Roberta. She didn't start purging with the intention of getting skinny, but the relief that she felt from purging is what she was looking for. Once she started purging, weight loss turned into reinforcement for her.

"It wasn't hard to make myself feel better, as long as I could get some where to throw up, I was fine. It was an instant cure. But after that feeling of ease went away, a large amount of guilt hit me and I felt really bad," Roberta said.

She never told anyone about what she was doing. It wasn't until after she graduated high school her mother realized Roberta's routine.

"My mom confronted Roberta about her purging," said a woman we'll call Jane, who is Roberta's sister. "At first my mom was mad, but then she started crying.

Roberta's mother decided it was time Roberta see a therapist. Roberta refused, insisting she had control over the situation. But, her mother still made her go to the family doctor. Her mother also made her tell her boyfriend about what she was doing.

"I felt that there was no one that could help me. I knew I had to do it on my own. I ended up going to the doctor against my will, which only worsened the situation. The doctor belittled me and made me feel more insecure about myself. I left there feeling lower than I ever had," said Roberta.

The therapist diagnosed Roberta with bulimia. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, bulimia is defined as "recurrent episodes of binge eating. The binge is followed by such compensatory behaviors as self-induced vomiting, fasting, abuse of laxatives or diuretics and excessive exercise. Body shape and weight influence the patient's sense of self-worth."

According to The Nation's Voice on Mental Illness (NAMI) Web site, bulimia typically begins in adolescence or early adulthood. It is estimated that 2 to 3 percent of young women develop bulimia, and more than 5 million individuals experience an eating disorder in this country. It is 10 times more common in women than men.

The cause of bulimia is believed by many to be the media's influence on the obsession with thinness, according to the Nation's Voice. Some people with bulimia report feeling a "kind of high" when they vomit.

The National Women's Health Information Center's (NWHIC) website also says bulimia is caused by American's emphasis on thinness, but there are other factors as well. Stressful events or life changes contribute to the eating disorder. Also, family attitudes towards thinness and personal feelings of self-worth are contributors. People with bulimia tend to feel bad about themselves; they feel helpless and hate the way they look.

Janet Moysh, certified councilor, said bulimics are usually suffering from some tragedy or something that happened at home they feel they can't control such as parents fighting, divorce, or a sibling who might have a serious illness.

Some of the physical side effects of bulimia are electrolyte imbalance, dehydration, and low levels of potassium, magnesium and sodium. In women it can cause irregular menstruations cycles or stop it completely.

Many believe an eating disorder is what caused Terri Shiavo's brain damage. According to the Chicago Sun-Times, "The reasons for Terri's death go beyond the removal of a feeding tube…Terri suffered from an eating disorder that let to dangerously low potassium levels that led to cardiac arrest. Her brain was not fed with enough oxygen [and] she lapsed into a vegetative state."

Roberta said she was never as extreme as some people can get. She would usually eat foods that were easy to throw up and never really binged. She exercised regularly, but never as hard as other bulimics would.

Jane thinks the reason Roberta started purging is because of the stress associated with starting high school and peer pressure. Roberta said she felt pressure from her boyfriend because he was into being physically fit. He didn't say anything demeaning to her, but it was just a problem with her own self-image.

Jane found out about Roberta's "sickness" when her mother did. She felt hurt because Roberta had lied about it for so long.

"I wanted to be like her, but not in that way," said Jane. "I looked up to her. We were best friends." Jane said after the rest of the family found out, they just kept quiet about it.

Roberta said she still struggles with her feelings of self-worth and with purging. The longest she could go without purging is about a month. A good day is when she wakes up happy and has a positive attitude. She feels good about her skin, hair and body. It is on those days that she is confident and doesn't think about purging. On the other hand, a bad day is when she looks in the mirror and can't see one thing that she likes about herself. She knows she will struggle to take care of herself. A battle she rarely wins.

"I know how dangerous this sickness is. I know that it can make it so that I will never be able to reproduce. I know that it is bad for my teeth and for my esophagus. I know that it can have several mental effects and other dangerous effects on my body," said Roberta.

She tried to stop on several occasions. Her motivation to stop purging is her religion, and her fiancé. The thought of not being able to have children and knowing that eating disorders cause problems in marriage, are factors keeping her from purging.

Roberta is 5 foot 3 inches and weighs 105 pounds. Which, she says, is not too big of a deal. She said some of her family knows she still battles everyday with her "sickness" and will battle for the rest of her life.

"I do feel like I can stop, but I feel that I will always struggle with the thoughts [of low self-worth]. I don't think that they will ever go away."

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