Does absence make the heart grow fonder? A tale of two long-distance relationships

By Brooke Barker

May 6, 2005 | August 2004: Zac Griffith was leaving Phoenix, he had a reason to stay, but school was starting. He had met and engaged t he girl of his dreams. Catherine.

May 11, 2004: Lauren Hillstead was preparing to move home for a summer in Kalispell, Mont. Hillstead had just finished her first year at Utah State University and was leaving the next day. She said she went to hang out with some friends, and met someone.

Love Sessions , a relationship love advice and dating help web site, defined long distance relationships as, "Two people who share an interest in each other's lives, care for one another and of course have a love for each other that they hope will only continue to grow... It takes away your ability to see each other on a frequent note, as well as the choice of being intimate whenever you desire, not to mention that there would be major trust required."

Andre Cross, a writer for askmen.com said, "There are three basic options when dealing with a long-distance love affair: the couple can remain faithful to each other; they can date other people and see what happens; or they can call it quits and start dating other people right away."

Griffith said he would talk to Catherine twice a day-- once when he woke her up, and once at the end of the day. They usually talked for a few hours, and mostly when both had free minutes on their cell phones he said.

"I never really liked talking on the phone, but she loved it. I think it's a girl thing," Griffith said.

Hillstead and her boy, Troy, talked as much as they could. Although they had only hung out twice, they learned a lot about each other over the summer. They talked and text messaged all the time. After the first month of this, each had gone over their cell phone plans by about $150.

"Troy didn't even have a text messaging plan, and that was $90," Hillstead said.

The constantly improving technology of cell phones, Internet chatting and e-mail helps make communication a little easier while couples are separated. The Counseling Center at the University of Missouri-Rolla said, "The first key to success with long distance relationships is effective communication. It is important for both parties to be able to feel that if they need to talk or write to the other person, communication will be welcomed and met with active communication from the other. The quality of the relationship is more likely to increase if both people develop the ability to share feelings openly with each other."

The University of Wisconsin Eau-Claire Counseling Center offered some advice about going the distance during Long Distance Relationships, and certain questions to keep in mind while planning a visit, "What are the expectations of the people involved? What plans do you intend to make with the time that you have available?"

Griffith and Catherine made it a habit of visiting each other twice a month. They each took turns flying to Salt Lake City or Phoenix. "It's not worth it being cheap," said Griffith.

During Lauren and Troy's summer, they only saw each other once. Lauren made a trip during June for a week, but Troy was too busy working to take time off. He claimed his truck didn't get good gas mileage, and the trip would be too expensive.

Although it is hard to determine a future of a long distance relationship, a Go Ask Alice article gave this advice, "Your distance could be considered a blessing in disguise, allowing you to come to know your friend in many ways that close proximity could stifle. Proximity can breed taking for granted the opportunity to talk at any time." Alice also says that this is a good time to learn about each other's dreams, values and interests.

Although Griffith wouldn't recommend a long-distance relationship to anyone, one good thing he found was, they didn't fight about the small things.

"Phone fights are lame. It was mostly jealousy and things like why didn't I call her back," Griffith said.

Along with the benefit of seeing only the good about the person, long distance relationships have a lot of bad things about them.

"I just remember feeling alone and not complete without her," Griffith said. "It was a kind of depressed feeling. She worried that we didn't know each other well enough, and I thought 'who cares if you don't know my favorite color,'" he said.

While Lauren and Troy only saw each other once during the summer, they sometimes talked about making late night trips, "we talked a lot, but nothing ever happened," said Hillstead.

There are a lot of down sides of being in a long distance relationship, besides the lack of physical intimacy, and face to face communication. Some tips for dealing with the depressed feeling Griffith mentioned can be found at the University of Missouri Rolla Counseling Center . There are also online discussion groups where you can become a part of a support group and discuss common problems with lond distance relationships. Loving your long distance relationship news forum , Google News Groups also offer different discussions on long distance relationships.

Long distance relationships can be a bummer, but the truth is: they can work. Jan. 7, 2005, Griffith and Catherine were married in Arizona.

"The first thing my dad asked me was, where are you going to hunt?" he said.

Catherine moved to Logan, and they will be returning to Phoenix after he graduates in May.

With every good news comes some bad: Lauren and Troy didn't make it. After being in Logan for four weeks, Lauren realized Troy wasn't what she wanted in a boyfriend, she said. They broke up and both have been involved in other serious relationships.

"It's different when you have to be around them all the time," Lauren said.

The saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder," may be true, but only for some. But the distance keeps love blind, and upon reunion comes the real test on whether or not a relationship will last.

NW
MS