Can't get pregnant? Alternative ways to have a family

By Nika Ecker

March 12, 2005 | There is nothing quite like having the doctor place a newborn baby in a mother's arms for the first time. But for some women that day might never be possible.

However, the feeling of holding a new baby in their arms is not unachievable. There are many alternatives for families who want children; adoption, in vitro fertilization, and surrogacy are just a few options available.

"Utah is a pro-adoption state and there are some states trying to pattern adoption laws after those of Utah," said Bill Brown of LDS Family Services, one of many adoption agencies available to Cache Valley residents.

Women looking to adopt children may or may not suffer from infertility. According to WebMD, "infertility is defined as a couple's inability to become pregnant after one year of sex without using birth control." However, couples fitting this definition shouldn't panic, because doctors do tell couples that "normal fertility is defined as the ability to naturally conceive within two years' time." Eighty-five percent of the time, women become pregnant and the 15 percent who do not are the ones who may be in need of other alternatives, said Dr. David Kirkman.

Whether it is infertility or another reason, couples may want to look into adoption. When a couple decides adoption is the right choice,there are a set of guidelines that they are required follow. The state of Utah requires a background check for anyone adopting and if they do not pass the background check, they are automatically disqualified to adopt. Some other laws that are required of parents adopting are newly revised and can be found at Utah State Adoption Law.

Both LDS Family services and Children's Aid Society of Utah are agencies that want to help not only the family preparing to adopt but also the birth mother.

"It is a time of loss for the birth mother and we want to make sure she gets the help she needs," said Shelley Riley, clinical director of the Children's Aid Society. The services offered to the birth mother, as well as to the father, if he is involved, are helpful in this process. Services Offered to Birth Parents and Adoptive Families are the services offered by LDS Family services.

Adoption can be a time-consuming process. LDS Family Services and the Children's Aid Society projects a wait of approximately 15 months, which sometimes varies. When a family is looking to adopt, one of the first steps is to either contact an adoption agency or a lawyer,depending on whether the family wants to have an open or closed adoption. An open adoption to the birth parents is having open access to where the adoptive family lives and visits can be made after placement. A closed adoption is the opposite: there is no information exchanged and when the adoption takes place. The adoption is the last communication between the birth and adoptive families. LDS Family Services offers semi-open confidential placements. That is where the families participating know the first names and the agency knows not only the last names of the families but also the contact information and is able to relay messages between the birth mom and the adoptive families. Semi-open confidential adoptions help the adoptive families and the birth mom have a sufficient amount of communication and also help aid in the birth mother's loss. The Children's Aid Society requires open adoption, which encourages a relationship between all involved. The Children's Aid Society requires the adoptive family to send pictures and letters as a minimum form of communication and will also help facilitate visits if the two families so desire. The birth mother finds comfort in seeing pictures and this is just one of the reasons agencies require this open communication.

There is a process that both the birth mother and the adoptive parents follow, though this process is not set in stone. When a birth mother decides to put her child up for adoption, she fills out a medical form for herself and includes the father's information if it is available. The adoptive family also fills out a medical form. This form shows which, if any, diseases they would be willing to accept in a child.

"It is a very soul-searching time, and it is a very emotional process for the adoptive family," said Brown. The birth mother is able to look through the profiles at the agency. The profiles consist of jobs, income, hobbies, and why that couple is looking to adopt. When she finds a profile that she likes, she is able to meet with the family and then make her decision.

The birth mother can really struggle with finding the perfect home, but through an adoption agency there is a lot of support and help offered to her. The adoptive family waits for an announcement letter that informs them of their selection.

Cost is another thing to consider, as each agency has different requirements in this area. If one chooses to adopt through an attorney, cost can increase substantially in order to pay attorney's fees and sometimes medical bills acquired from the birth mother. When using LDS Family Services the cost is a minimum of $4,000 and a maximum of $10,000, which is chosen based on 10 percent of the annual income. The Children's Aid Society fee has a base of $10,000 with an additional 8 percent of their income. The money used in adoption agencies do not go to pay for medical expense; rather, the money goes back to the agency to help fund the different programs available to both the birth families and the adoptive families.

The Children's Aid Society recommends that the birth mother have at least two years of counseling after her child is placed. The money also goes to pay for travel expenses of the adoption workers, because the amount of travel they do within Utah is incredible.

Both LDS Family Services and Children's Aid Society work to place children in homes that will provide them with as much love and care as a child needs.

"I recommend going through an agency, because sometimes when people use lawyers for adoptions, the adoptive family ends up being a grief counselor to the birth mother, and no one benefits," said Riley.

Amber Joyner, of Smithfield, has been a foster parent and has since adopted three children. "I would recommend that a couple go into adoption with both eyes open. It is hard, and kids will be kids. Adopted or not, a 14-year-old can be difficult," said Joyner. The Joyner couple had fertility problems and looked into foster care, but because of the possibility of moving related to a military job, they were marked as unstable. When the Joyners were able to settle down in Cache County, they attempted again to be foster parents. They were successful and eventually adopted the three children. The Joyners recommend being foster parents, because it allows the children time to acclimate to their environment and everyone is able to see if the situation will work out. The Joyners used Child and Family Services to foster and adopt their children.

Some families looking to adopt may worry that once they have a child placed in their home there is a possibility that the child can be taken back by the birth parents. In Utah, the law states that the birth mom should make an adoption plan. Twenty-four hours after the child is born, the birth mother is able to sign the adoption papers. Once her signature is on those papers, she has relinquished her rights.

Riley explained that when people see a child being taken from an adopted family's home, it is generally because steps have been skipped, like informing the birth father of his rights. Utah law also requires that the adoption agency make at least one visit to the home within the first six months after placement. Both LDS Family Services and Children's Aid Society make three visits within that time period to ensure that the transitions of the child and the families are satisfactory.

If adoption isn't the alternative route that a couple wishes to take, there are other options that can be explored. Couples can use in vitro fertilization (IVF) as an aid in having children. Dr. David Kirkman, an obstetrician-gynecologist at the Cache Valley Women's Center, has been working with in vitro for years and explained that it has been around for a long time. Farmers used a similar procedure on animals and a doctor finally decided that if it works on a cow, it should also work on a human. Now, couples that struggle to get pregnant are able to work together with a doctor to look into IVF to create a family. IVF is an expensive and somewhat less successful method than adoption. A couple can easily spend $20,000 trying IVF and sometimes the result is still no children.

Kirkman fears that some couples get so caught up in having a biological child that the opportunity to adopt sometimes passes them by. There are a lot of ethical dilemmas that sometimes accompany IVF, including how many embryos to implant and if selective reduction is an option. Infertility Fact Sheet. Kirkman thinks that IVF can be a wonderful resource for people trying to have kids.

Kirkman also discussed the option of finding a surrogate mother for those who are looking to have a child. He has performed this procedure in California, not in Utah. In Utah it is currently illegal to have a surrogate. However, there is a bill in the senate trying to change that law: Senate Bill 14. There are situations that make having a surrogate mother more complicated. It is hard to determine when the positives outweigh the negatives.

Kirkman offered some simple advice to those trying to get pregnant but who are having problems. Don't talk to your family about trying to get pregnant, because that just adds pressure that doesn't need to be there. Do your homework when choosing a doctor; make sure you choose one with a lot of knowledge. Don't just fall into the habit of going to a doctor because that is who your mom used. When dealing with infertility, look at credible websites to learn more, avoiding people's personal websites. Sometimes personal websites can be misleading and only deal with that person's personal experience, which is not necessarily what you might be dealing with.

Infertility can put added stress on a marriage or partnership. Adoption, surrogacy, and in vitro fertilization are all options available for those who want families, and there are many who have benefited. Nevertheless,there are pros and cons to each of these possibilities. There are also many doctors who are trying to improve the IVF procedure to help the odds. Kirkman's advice to not give up, to not stress out, and to try all options is invaluable.

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