There's an art to dumping, or why breaking up is so hard to do
By Shane Krebs
March 1, 2004 | With Valentines Day out of the way, a person might decide the ball-and-chain is getting too heavy. If you don't feel you want to stay in a relationship, or just know it's never going to work, it's time to do some dirty work and let go.
Some people find the song to be true; breaking up is hard to do. And in many cases it is.
Angie Niemi, a junior at the University of Houston, said she usually can sense when a relationship is coming to an end, but she puts off the break up.
"I will drown it out until it is just no longer bearable," she said. "[I] avoid that person for awhile before I bring myself to do the deed."
The signs to get out are when you dread "seeing or spending time with that person," Niemi said. When you "spend more time being miserable than happy" or fight all the time, she said, those are signs to get out. Cheating is good reason too, she said.
Niemi said she prefers getting dumped when both people know it's a failing relationship. "It takes the pressure off of me doing the dumping," she said.
Sherry Amatenstein, of ivillage.co.uk, gave advice to a concerned woman trying to break up with her boyfriend. "Do it gently and quickly," she said. "Do treat him with respect and answer his questions as honestly -- but diplomatically -- as possible."
Amatenstein said not to make him feel he's ugly or annoying and do not tell him there might be a chance later, he needs the closure. Closure is for those on the recieving end. The person getting dumped should know how serious it is. And breaking up isn't easy.
It's hard for both people, but easier to do the dumping, she said.
"Anyone who says it's more painful to leave than to be left is either in denial or a blatant liar," Amatenstein said.
Heather Butikofer, a senior majoring in public relations, said breaking up isn't something to be avoided and honesty is required.
"Communication is important," Butikofer said. "It may be difficult to end the relationship with communication but in the long run it will save a lot of heartache. When breaking up show the other person some respect and let them know you are not interested in dating anymore. Don't just stop calling and ignore the situation."
Butikofer said individuals become frustrated and confused without the communication.
Even if it is done correctly, a drawn-out break up could leave the couple more stressed out and miserable.
Mike Hardcastle, of TeenAdvice.com, said breaking up should be done fast. "Look at this like taking off a Band-Aid," he said. "Would you rather do it fast or slow? Which one hurts more?"
Hardcastle said it's important to talk about ending the relationship and listening to the other person. Let the person know what kind of a relationship you want to maintain after the breakup, he said.
Once you know the relationship is over, it's time to be honest to the other person, Hardcastle said. But you should end it face-to-face -- "don't do [it] on the phone."
Breaking up is more complex than just saying it is over. It may be hard because a person might feel they are losing a good thing and want to stick around.
MP Dunleavey, of Lifetimetv.com, suggested how to end a relationship to a reader who is confused about her boyfriend. "If you leave, maybe you'll meet someone you' re crazy about -- or maybe you'll end up living alone with 18 cats," she said.
Dunleavey said to go over a mental checklist to think about the relationship and if it's going to work.
"If the only reason you're staying with this guy is because you're afraid of being single (and lonely) again, that's a rotten reason," Dunleavey said.
Sam Matagi, a senior majoring in broadcasting, said he uses the old line "it's not you, it's me."
"I blame it on myself," he said. "Even if I'm breaking up for things that bug me about her." Matagi said once the relationship is over, sometimes he finds himself wanting the relationship to work again.
"I have to keep telling myself [the break up] is right," he said. When he thinks about looking for a new girlfriend or being lonely, he said, that's when it gets hard not get back together.
Cedric Young, a junior majoring in philosophy, said when he breaks up he has to erase her number out of his phone so he won't go back. "I have to search deep inside," he said. "Tell myself I did the right thing."
Even if breaking up is the right thing to do, being friends might cause a desire to be together again, not just the fear of being alone.
Caitlin Johnson, an undeclared freshman, said it's best to keep distance after the relationship. "When one person still has feelings, they'll want to get back together," she said. "Giving each other time to heal is the best way to do it."
Johnson said it's best to not even see the other person while healing from a breakup. "It can be hard to get over someone," she said.
Lee Covington, author of How to Dump Your Wife, gave advice to Maxim readers on how to break up. He said be gentle when ending a relationship. If you don't do it right you might end up being "blacklisted" from friends or get your bedroom trashed.
"Choose an exact date that you're going to break up, so you don't waffle," Covington said. You can't keep going back to her house.
"Give away as little information as possible," Covington said. "Remember, she's going to chew on everything you've said."
When you end a relationship it is important to retrieve the valuables before the break up, he said.
"It's better to be strong and break it off now," he said. "Before you need to buy my book."
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