By Matt Eichner

"Golf is in the air, everywhere I look around," sang some illustrious singer. And I couldn't agree more. Ah, Spring! The weather clears, the birds come back and golf is in full swing! (Pun intended)

It never really left if you count all the practice balls I hit in the living room over the winter. This drove my wife nuts. I'm not talking about putting, but rather taking a full swing and knocking little practice balls into the curtains. That way the window was protected.

I noticed, as I was hitting, that I wasn't keeping my front arm straight as I took the club back. Ooh, cardinal mistake! So I consulted with the house pro, Tiger Woods, of Tiger Woods 99 video game fame, and sure enough, He keeps His arm straight as He takes His club back. (Must capitalize for the God of Golf)

So I made the adjustment. The results are great! The first time I went out and played 18, I shot an 86. I always struggled to break 90, but I just went out and hit an 86. Easy as you please. I fully expect to get my tour card by the end of the summer. All I have to do is play Tiger Woods 99 all day and night, and I'll become just like him. I know it. I feel my hairline receding already.

So back to the course I go. Birds chirping, golfers yelling and drinking beer (I mean, not in Logan! I must have been thinking about Smithfield.), golf carts turned upside down because they wanted to see what would happen if the emergency brake is pulled while going down a hill of freshly watered grass. Nature at its best.

On Friday is the company golf tournament. Twenty-five teams will square off in shotgun formation down at Logan River Golf Course. I played last year, and I had some fun, but needless to say, my team didn't win. I blame my teammates for plotting against me.

"It's not about winning," they would say. Or, "What a great day for golf," they said with big condescending grins as they looked up at the clear azure sky with just the right amount of breeze and all that green grass.

Golfing at Logan River is okay, if you don't mind the occasional snake making off with your ball, or hitting some endangered species of bird in the marsh with your big slice off the tee. All I saw was a big cloud of feathers, and then nothing. Just like the dove that Randy Johnson hit with a fastball last year in spring training. Boom!

Anyway, there were lots of little gimmicks on the holes. One hole had a cue stick on the green with which one had to put with. Then another hole one had to hit with a left-handed club. Good thing I'm left handed. I hit a perfect little wedge right over the green into the trees. Perfect. Advantage: me. Almost. We would've pulled it off if the team behind us hadn't seen me hit earlier. So I hit with a right-handed club. How do you guys do that?

So I'm excited about this year. I hope that my team will be more supportive, and carry me to the title. Otherwise, I'll have to do some experimenting with golf cart physics.

LD
LD

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