|
|||
 |
By Denise Albiston
According to the Stepfamily Association of America, the phrase "blended family" refers to a stepfamily household where the biological parent of a child marries another who is not the biological parent of the same child. However, this is not an accurate definition of a blended family since it doesn'tt include those people who are cohabiting with the biological parent and acting as a stepparent. Not only is the definition confusing; stepfamilies are confusing. They even have their own language. Suppose two parents get divorced and remarried: the children will now have a mom, a dad, a stepmom and a stepdad. Now suppose that the stepmom and stepdad had children from a previous marriage; now the original children also have stepsiblings. Now, let's suppose that the stepmom and biological dad have a child; those children now also have a half sibling, and this is just the primary families. "In our culture, when we get married, we choose who we are going to marry," said Lori Roggman, professor in the family, consumer and human development department at Utah State University. "So typically, the adults in the family have gone through a courtship and believe that they can make a good relationship with each other. The children often have no say in that decision at all." For many couples getting remarried, becoming a stepparent isn't something they have really thought about carefully. Couples who have spent time together and have come to the conclusion that they are ready for marriage often have unrealistic expectations about blending their families together. They often imagine one happy, seamless unit and take for granted that because they love this other person and want to be with that person, their children will also, Roggman said. "Remarriages without children are more likely to end in divorce than first-time marriages, so when children are added to the equation, then these couples really have their work cut out for them," said Jay Schvaneveldt, emeritus professor in the department of family, consumer and human development at USU. Research shows that blended families are typically unsuccessful and part of that may stem from the challenges and complexities these families face in creating and adjusting to different relationships, Roggman said. Often, the people who are forming a blended family have been through painful divorces and traumatic experiences that they still might be recovering from. "This can create an explosive environment," she said. There is a great deal of pressure placed on stepparents when they enter into a blended family situation, said Deborah Ascione, senior lecturer in the department of family, consumer and human development at USU. Stepchildren often struggle with many different types of emotions toward their stepparent, she said. The children may have unclear boundaries about discipline and a stepparent may have to deal with comments like, "I don't have to do what you say, your not my real mom," she said. Those boundaries need to be established and discussed with the stepchildren. Discipline almost always becomes an issue in blended families, said Thorana Nelson, director of the marriage and family therapy department at USU. It is very important that the biological parent act as the child's parent, and the stepparent be considered the parent's spouse. The more people try to force a parental relationship with a stepchild the worse it will get. It seems to work better when the biological parent takes charge of all the discipline regarding the child and the stepparent just supports the biological parent, she said. "No parent chooses somebody to marry that they think wouldn't be a good stepparent, but the children typically see this person as making their life decisions for them, and that person is not their mom or dad," Roggman said. Stepparents often have unrealistic expectations, they think that they are going to have an instant loving relationship with their stepchildren, and that's not always the case, Ascione said. Stepparents need to understand that the children will have a great deal of affection for the absent parent, under any circumstances, and the children will feel some resentment toward the stepparent who might be seen as the intruder, she said. "Children tend to have magical thinking and they really want their parents to get back together. They don't understand why their parents aren't living together even when there is a lot of conflict between them, so they try to think in magical ways. When a parent remarries, it's the final thing that says it's over," said Nelson. When a child goes through a divorce, they have to come to the realization that their parents are not perfect, Roggman said. They have to come to terms with the fact that the two people that they care for the most have faults, and that can be challenging for a child. Every child has to go through this eventually, but for children going through a divorce, they have to deal with it sooner, she said. "They have to realize that their parents aren't perfect, and forgive them for it," Roggman said. While adjusting to a new family situation and other adults is difficult, sometimes it's more difficult for a child to adjust to stepsiblings, Roggmen said. During certain holidays and events, having all the siblings around can cause a great deal of tension, not just among the children themselves but among the parents, she said. Many parents and stepparents alike have this unrealistic idea that everybody will "just get along," but it doesn't always work that way, she said. "Often in blended families, the children don't just have to adjust to another adult, they may also have to adjust to the other adult's children," Roggman said. In the article Is There a Recipe for Blending Families?, Jill Curtis, a psychotherapist and author of books and articles on family issues states that many men and women have the illusion that after they get married, the children will merge into one happy group. She said, the hope is that the children will find having a new sibling, perhaps near the same age, to be a fun and enjoyable experience; something like a ready made playmate. The reality is that the children have had to adjust to a divorce, a new marriage and now, a new sibling where they may have to share rooms, bathrooms, computers and parents. The expectation that everybody will get along is nothing more then a fantasy, she said. "The children in these situations need to find their own way and develop their own relationships. This takes a great deal of time and they're not going to just leap into some sort of fantasy family life," Roggman said. Blended family groups force the individual members to redefine their family identity, and include people they previously felt no attachment to, Ascione said. But that can be a benefit to a child, especially if the child previously had no siblings and now they do, she said. It can also benefit children whose absent biological parent was especially chaotic or threatening to the child's well-being, and now they have a stable, predictable, secure family routine. Ultimately, if the stepparent is a loving and patient person, children will benefit from a two-parent home, because their remaining biological parent has a partner to help them, which reduces parental stress compared to the stresses that a single parent may face, she said. If the biological parent is less stressed and more happy in their adult life, that good will carry over to the kids. There is very little advice that can be given to people who are about to become stepparents, Nelson said. Every situation is different and each person brings his or her own past into the relationship. The biggest thing she sees when people get remarried is that they somehow think that the children are going simply adore this other adult because they do. The reality is that it often takes children a long time to adjust to different people and different situations. Children need to have an open line of communication with all the adults, and the adults need to be patient with the children, she said. "The best piece of advice I could give to any stepparent is to do whatever they can not take it all that personal," Nelson said. For more information, check out: NW
|
||