The takeover of the female operating system

By Seth R. Hawkins

December 12, 2008 | Women are confusing.

Wait, that was a poor sentence. Women are extremely confusing, beyond comprehension, absolutely baffling, impossible.

I don't say that to be mean and it's in no way an attack on women. It's more proof of how bad the male brain is at overriding logic controls to understand emotion.

The brain has often been compared to a supercomputer. In the case of males, logic is the hardware and emotion is the software. This is good, because software often becomes outdated and must be tossed for the new, good stuff.

Women, on the other hand, are hardwired quite differently, with emotion being the hardware and logic the software. When the software needs to be tossed - and this seems to be quite frequently - all that's left is a giant operating system of emotion, much like Windows Vista. And we all know how that's turned out.

Because men and women are wired so differently, this leads to all sorts of communication problems. Slowly, I've figured some things out about my wife, but once she became pregnant, all I had learned was suddenly tossed out the window.

Pregnancy is like a virus to the female brain operating system. It implants itself and spreads like wildfire, corrupting all logic software and amps up the emotion hardware. This virus is called Hormones 6.66.

While it can't be removed, it does have a time limit. After 18 months - birth plus the post-pregnancy blues - Hormones 6.66 terminates itself and women have to slowly reinstall the logic software.

As near as I can tell, this process involves eating a lot of ice cream, reading romance novels and watching chick flicks, which makes no sense because none of those things are logical.

But, when Hormones 6.66 is in charge, the woman operating system (WOS) is very difficult to manage. Its reasoning capabilities are all corrupted by the virus and it doesn't take kindly to the software Male 1.0 - what, we're primitive?

You see, when Male 1.0 tries to install itself, Hormones 6.66 tells the operating system to reject it, no matter what it says. View this line of code captured at great cost from WOS:

Male 1.0: Honey, you look great. I love your pregnant glow and your tummy looks so cute.

WOS + Hormones 6.66: What? You think I look fat? You're such a jerk.

Male 1.0: Logic error #19943 :// terminate and reboot ...

WOS: Why aren't you talking to me? Do you not love me anymore? I knew it. You're cheating on me with some other woman aren't you? I knew you were unfaithful. Pig.

Male 1.0: Logic error #26309 :// terminate and reboot ... C:/logic/damagecontrol.exe

No, of course I'm not cheating on you. You're my sweetheart. I love you. I would never want to be without you.

WOS: Of course you wouldn't want to be without me because then your clothes would never get washed, dinner would never get cooked and dishes would stack up to the ceiling.

Male 1.0: Logic error #77316 :// terminate and reboot ... C:/logic/thingstosaytogetintrouble.exe

You do a lot for me dear, but let's be honest, I have cooked for the last month straight and I do the dishes. But you do the laundry all the time and I am really grateful.

WOS: Execute:/bluescreen of death

How dare you act like you help out. You're like a leech. You expect everything from me. I can't handle it any more. You're stifling me. Leave me alone.

Male 1.0: Logic error #62007 :// terminate and reboot ... C:/logic/paradox.exe

OK, I'll leave you alone, even though I know I'll get in trouble for doing that. Geez, I was just trying to help you feel good about yourself. If you need anything, I'll be in the other room working.

WOS: Oh, how convenient. Yes, let's run away when this conversation isn't going your way. You're not going to work. You're probably going to play World of Warcraft or spend another useless hour of your life on ESPN.com.

Male 1.0: Confirmation:/ internal subroutine #257 ... Dang, she knows me well.

You see what I mean? Hormones 6.66 is pure evil. It's not the woman's fault either. She can't control the virus. But, as near as I can tell, this is just the precursor to an evil scarier virus: Child 1.0 beta.

I need some tougher anti-virus software.

NW
MS