The end is near -- and I couldn't be more ready

By Amanda Mears

December 11, 2008 | The end is near. By "end" I mean the Apocalypse, and by "near" I mean the year 2012. If you believe the hype, and I do, the world is about to end catastrophically in approximately four years. Although this means I will have considerably less time to complete my life "to-do" list, it could be a good thing.

According to www.december122012.com, the impending apocalypse is not a terrifying end to life as we know it, but rather a way to weed out the "pussies." Thank God. It's as if the Mayans knew that our generation would be filled with men who own tiny dogs and wear guyliner.

Although I am admittedly frightened at the thought of what is to come, I have a plan for survival so that I can effectively repopulate the world Adam and Eve style. The first step includes meeting and befriending people who own guns. Guns, I feel and many Americans will agree with me here, are the only effective way to ward off large calamities. Armies of insects? Shoot them. Giant tidal waves? Shoot other people who stand in the way of getting to shelter.

My next step will be to learn how to survive off the land. This includes TiVo-ing every episode of Man vs. Nature from now until November 2012, when I will sit down to watch them all consecutively. When volcanoes erupt, covering every part of the earth's surface, I am confident that I alone will be able to find a rattlesnake, kill it and fashion its scales into a protective bodysuit, thanks to Bear Grylls.

At this point, I am planning to lie low for a few years until I can construct a radio a la Will Smith in I Am Legend. I am hoping the group of crazy people who are currently building a mountain hideout have also seen "I Am Legend" and will do the same. Although their Web site explicitly states that only "true believers" will be allowed to dwell in the mountain residence, I can't fully commit myself to the cause just yet. Instead, I am confident that my charm, fake ID and surplus of guns will grant me V.I.P. access into the survivor's club. I will also carry around a sequined halter top and a miniskirt, just in case.

From there I will simply ride on the coattails of others who have devoted their lives to planning a good 2012 strategy, thus effectively making the apocalypse my "beeyotch."

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MS