By Jenn Carroll

On one end of the gym six boys are playing basketball. Tennis shoe soles twist and squeak on the shiny wood floor as Brandon turns. "I'm open, pass it to me!" Jordan shouts, his words echoing through the gym's high ceilings. He flails his arms to get Brandon's attention.

At the other end of the gym six seventh grade girls, teen-agers, eat their peanut butter-and-jelly sandwiches, graham crackers, apples and other lunch items as they talk.

They're not talking about the boys playing basketball on the other side of the gym.

They're talking about divorce.

Six girls, one common bond -- friendship. Five of the six, another binding thread. Their parents are divorced.

Keates and Morgan say the first thing that comes to mind when they hear the word divorce is Separated.

Not how the divorce separated their parents, but how divorce separated them from their fathers.

Elizabeth and Morgan say the word divorce makes them think of one small, painful word,

Sad.

For Anne two words spell divorce -- Unhappy feelings.

Beyonka and Kalee say divorce makes them think of My parents and Lonesome mom.

Karen S. Peterson reported in USA Today that more than 1 million children experience the divorce of their parents yearly. Often, parents don't know what, if anything to tell their children, because they are confused and feel guilty about getting divorced in the first place.

The girls say they were between 2 and 11 years old when their parents got divorced. Only one of the girls' parents talked to them about it. The girls think it's probably because they were too young too understand.

Elizabeth said when her parents divorced, her mom moved them away and her dad moved away as well. The move wasn't too hard on them because they moved in with grandma.

Beyonka and her family also moved in with their grandma when their father moved to Colorado.

Morgan wasn't told until a little while after her mom and dad divorced. She remembers her mom was really sad for a while.

Kalee says her mom tried to tell her and her siblings, but was just trying to deal with it herself. She says her dad wasn't very nice to her mom.

Elizabeth Marquardt, a scholar with the Institute for American Values, says there are really two sides to the issue of how kids fare after divorce.

Emerging research indicates that the effects of divorce have been exaggerated.

"Most emerge as competent, fairly happy adults if the divorced parents can avoid open warfare involving the child." It's this second way of thinking about, "The ëgood divorce' that reduces conflict and puts the welfare of the child first." Marquardt says children from divided families have challenges to face that children raised in intact families do not. Often these children have to learn to live in two different worlds.

They have to figure out their own moral and spiritual values, especially when their divorced parents do not consistently support one solid set of moral or spiritual values. These children develop their own view of the world, decide what they want to believe, and how they want to act. Marquardt says that children from divorced families are "more apt to struggle with loss, isolation, loneliness and suffering.

Elizabeth thinks things would have been different if her parents had stayed married, but says things are fine now.

Things aren't really different for Morgan, she has always lived with her mom and brother. "My mom has asked me a lot before if I have ever wanted to go and visit my dad but I wouldn't want to, I have an awesome life here." She adds that she would be very sad if that every really happened. For Morgan, life with her mother is built around a stable, secure lifestyle, something she appreciates.

Beyonka believes divorce was the best solution for her parents, because her dad used to be a drug addict. Now, her dad is like a different person and doesn't drink anymore. She gets to go and visit him all the time, especially in the summer. She is convinced that life is better for her since her parents split up because they didn't get along at all.

Kalee sometimes thinks things might have been different (not necessarily better) if her parents hadn't split up.

"Occasionally life seems hard, but it gets easier, and my mom isn't scared anymore." she says, adding that her dad used to have a really bad temper, but since the divorce, her mom isn't afraid anymore. In fact, their life is better now. They have a bigger house and live in a safer neighborhood.

Sociologist Constance Ahrons believes there is such a thing as a "good divorce". She's been studying divorce for more than 20 years. Her book, The Good Divorce, was originally published in 1994. An updated version is due out in June 2004. She says the picture painted in the forth coming book will be complex, revealing her findings from her examination of 173 children from 89 divorced families.

She expects to show that the differences between children from intact families and those from divorced families, are minor.

Divorce is not the only stressful event in kids' lives. Even in intact families, parents are ill, they die, they are alcoholic, they have emotional problems, they move, they lose jobs, they are poor. Ask any of (the adult children) if these circumstances affect who they are as adults, and you'll get a resounding yes.

Keats, Elizabeth, Morgan, Beyonka, and Kalee say they've accepted the fact that their parents are divorced, and feel no worse off because of it.

Morgan doesn't really have any questions about her parents' divorce, but says sometimes, "I'd like to ask my dad why he lives with his girlfriend since they're not married and stuff. It kind of bothers me." She remembers her father used to always teach her about right and wrong and she wonders about the choices her dad has made.

Beyonka used to have questions like, "Why did my dad leave me?" but says she's more understanding now that she's a little older. When she turned 11 her mom sat her down and told her all the horrible stuff that happened. So, she feels like things are a lot better now. Her dad now respects what she does and her religious beliefs, and that is really important to her because she can be herself when she visits him.

She doesn't have to try and live in two different worlds.

Kalee pretty much just accepted all of it, "Sometimes life doesn't go the way you plan it ó sometimes it's better that way."

Anne, one of the girls whose parents are not divorced, says she just treats her friends like friends, whether they have one or two parents at home. She says when her friends have problems she listens to them and tries to help if she can.

Sociologist Constance Ahrons says all children have experiences growing up, some positive, and some negative. "It is rare that a child doesn't experience some stress and loss during childhood," and "That doesn't diminish the pain children feel when their parents get divorced. It just puts it in perspective."

Do Keats, Elizabeth, Morgan, Beyonka and Kalee worry about the fact that their parents are divorced and they live with their mothers? Do they feel different from their friend Anne, whose parents are not divorced?

No!

Typical teen-agers.

Keats worries about hair clothes, shoes and makeup. Elizabeth worries about her dad marrying his girlfriend, and about her little brother. Morgan worries about people teasing her little brother who had lots of surgeries, about teachers getting fired at her school, and about going to middle school after having such a wonderful experience at the Thomas Edison Charter School. Anne worries about clothes, her friends, and getting in fights.

Beyonka worries about her dad getting remarried and about her little brother. Kalee also worries about her little brother, because he doesn't have a positive male influence in his life all the time. She adds that she doesn't worry at all about boys, saying, "They're just weird."

All the girls think divorce can be prevented, but not in every case.

Elizabeth thinks grownups need to really think about who they will marry, and choose the right person. Morgan says if a married couple is unhappy and they try really hard to work it out and can't, then they should get a divorce, rather than make the kids continue to suffer and see them fight. Beyonka thinks if two married people are thinking about getting divorced, they should not worry about what other people are going to think. They should do what is going to be best for their kids in the long-term.

Kalee says that if people think they need to get a divorce, they should really try and work it out first. They should go to counseling and talk it out. If they can't make things better after really trying, "Then I guess it (divorce) might be the best thing," adding "Hey, if you're not happy, don't stay in that place!" She agrees it's important to know the other person well before even thinking about getting married. Her mom tells her she should date someone for a long time and get to know them really well before she gets married.

The girls work hard in school and have big plans for the future. Keats plans to get a college degree. Elizabeth is going to be a teacher. Morgan is going to be a successful author. Anne is going to be a stay-at-home mom. Beyonka says, "My plan is to finish college and then start dating, because boys are a distraction." She plans to become a veterinarian. Kaylee is "going to go on a mission (for her church), go to college, and date somebody, and if I can't find the right guy, I'll just go on in the career that I choose." She wants to become a singer.

Six typical seventh grade teen-age girls eat lunch and talk, while the boys play basketball at the other end of the gym. Five have already been through one life-altering experience. Yet, they are happy and resilient. Their friendship is their binding thread, not their parents' divorces. So, what do these teen-agers really worry about most?

Brandon!

Jordan!

Andrew!

Jameson!

David!

MS
MS