Strange musings from the bakery:
By 'Man of the Year,' you mean the movie, right?

By David Baker

April 16, 2008 | Since the Robins Awards will be handed out this week, I thought it would be appropriate to let anyone with the good fortune -- or misfortune, depending on your perspective -- of stumbling upon this particular musing know exactly why I didn't win the Man of the Year award. And it's not because I wasn't nominated, because, believe it or not, I actually was. And what follows is my authentic application/biography. In the interest of full disclosure, some typos were corrected, things in brackets were added for clarity and the paragraph breaks were made more musing appropriate. Enjoy.

I'll open with a joke, because I think that's how it's supposed to go. So two USU Robins Award nominees walk into a bar … get it? It's funny because no nominees, present company excluded, would ever walk into a bar.

Wasn't funny? Moving on. I guess the first question I'm supposed to answer is what my major is, right? Well, I'm a senior in print journalism with a minor in American studies. Damn, I answered [question] No. 7 [on the application] at the same time. Oh well, dock me for it. Although this is probably some violation of FERPA [Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act] ­ I assume you guys know what that means ­ but my GPA is in fact a [I bet you'd all like to know]. That's it for the boring, introductory stuff. I also like long walks on the beach, not that you asked, but that's one of those important intro things, as well.

This section is the part where I get to be really pompous, pretentious and self-absorbed. Well, unfortunately there's nothing interesting or exciting about what I've done here, at least in the traditional sense. I'm far too smart and dedicated to USU to ever run for any sort of figurehead position with ASUSU. I haven't been out marshaling the troops to march for flawed ideology or whack-job political or social causes. Basically, the only thing I've been involved with is the Utah Statesman ­ you know, the school newspaper that most people pay no attention to.

While others were sitting in offices on the third floor of the TSC figuring out ways to appear busy enough to retain their titles, I've been busy on the first floor informing and entertaining people about things they want to know. I'm the assistant sports editor. You guys may not believe this, but people don't care what decorations ASUSU is getting for the spring formal; however, they do care about how bad Aggie basketball beat the hell out of Nevada.

I've also been a humor columnist for about two years. In that capacity, I've tried to entertain people by making them laugh ­ I've mostly failed. I've also tried to offend a lot of the people you will probably eventually give these awards to. I harass them because they have no idea some people aren't like them. To be blunt, I've tried to be the voice of the small population of non-Mormon students here that won't read jokes about FHE and aren't about to be nominated for a Robins Award.

I was the co-creator of a magazine to reach out to that crowd ­ The Loganite, you didn't read that either, I'm sure. So in a way, that sort of thing has been my service to the community ­ the only community service I thought appropriate to undertake.

You ask how service is important to my education. Well, it's important because we learn to be human beings, at least we all would if we were doing it for decent reasons instead of just to have things to put on our grad school apps or Robins Award biographies.

In high school, I did community service and was involved in stuff so I could put it on my college applications, and I get the feeling some service is selfish and, in that case, that's not service at all. Is it? A prime example would be calling an ASUSU officer self serving. [The purpose of] A title ­ like seeing your name in print and being read, I don't want to leave me out of this ­ is to get a feeling of fake self-importance. Especially when you use that title to do nothing but organize homecoming and sit in meetings where administrators vocalize plans to continue to suck your fellow students dry and you do nothing to change that. So service and extra-curricular activities are good, but only when they really are done with a serving spirit and the intention to learn. I may not have done anything as "important" as college student government or whatever, but at least with the newspaper, I'm there to learn and I have a passionate, servant spirit when it comes to the people I write for and the things I write about. Wow. There goes my chance. That's enough ranting on that.

As far as awards go, I have a bunch of A-pins, that's really it. I won something from the Statesman, but it's nothing to write home about ­ or write to you guys about. I guess I get to brag again about myself. Things I'm good at: People tell me I'm good with words. I think I'm funny. I'm a critical, free thinker who can be creative. I'm good at growing a beard and I've been told I'm quite an adept folder of clothing. I'm good at jumping through the hoops of higher education, probably because I was good at that sort of thing in high school, too. I think I'm also personable, a conversationalist and, at times, borderline charming. I am supposed to brag here, right?

Let me ask my magic eight ball what it thinks I'm going to be when I grow up. "Try again later." That doesn't help me, this thing is due in like an hour. I knew I shouldn't have put so much of my future in the hands of that $5 hunk of plastic filled with blue liquid. I bet it's not even magic. That's neither here or there. As for my future, your guess is as good as mine. I'm going to start writing two or three books once I can escape some of the busy work that I'm still forced to do to graduate. I will try to shop those to publishers. They'll just be basic humorous stuff. Hopefully something you'd find in the HUMOR section of Borders. My main goal is to make people laugh, and make money off of that. I'm going to do some freelancing. I'm going to apply for several different comedy writing jobs. My ultimate goal is to be a writer on a TV show, like The Daily Show, or write movies and books. I'm either going to be famous or poor. I don't like gray areas of mediocrity. That's enough speculating.

Ah ha, the posterity question. The one where you want to know what you've done for me and what I've done for you. The product of my last four years wrapped up in about a 2/3 of a page ­ otherwise they'll have to edit me, which wouldn't be too surprising anyways. To be honest, I will take away a confidence in myself, a spirit to attack all of my goals head on. That was mushy as hell, but here comes the fist.

Also being honest, I will take away a lot of resentment from a lot of the people here who turn this university ­ one that has so much potential to be a great learning environment ­ into a closed-minded, unquestioning place that yields status-quo thinking and fosters a feeling of alienation for people who aren't the norm. You wanted to know, and I'm not going to powder your asses ­ I know the swearing is inappropriate, but you wanted a biography of me, and bear with me ­ when everything isn't all rosy. I hope I leave behind, with my writing, the sense that there is room for opinions and behaviors contrary to the stifling conservativism that predominates.

I think with the alternative stories and the alternative lifestyle of The Loganite will hopefully carry on, creating a community/support group for those that didn't give $1,400 to Mitt Romney. I also want to leave USU with at least a kernel of hope that things can be different. People can talk and laugh about sex. People can laugh at fart jokes. People can get through college without being so serious. People can be moderate. People can survive without kowtowing to a system that regards them as second-class citizens. Mostly, I just want to leave USU. That was my ending joke, so laugh.

P.S. An explanation: I don't want to seem like I'm belittling this award. I think it would be a great honor to receive such a prestigious award from this university, which I have defended and served (and paid heavily to) for four years. My intent was not to somehow make this smaller. I hope you don't get that feeling. It was, however my intent to give you an accurate representation of me. You said a biography and you got some feeling in there. I also wanted to point out some of the things that I think are rarely heard, and beg you to give this award to someone who deserves it. Someone who hasn't sought out recognition for selfish reasons. Someone who has actually made the most of college and made the people around them better. And I think, and this is just my opinion, that person probably isn't one of the ones with an ASUSU next to their name in your book of judgment. I know I was nominated as a joke, and I thought about making this a joke, but I decided to try to make a point. I'm not going to win, and we both know that. I'd love to, but if you just laugh or think a little because of this, I will have won in my mind.

MS
MS