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Senioritis: Don't let this happen to you, regardless of whether you are a L.O.S.E.R. By
Scott Garrard
With the start of April, a severe illness continues to spread throughout the campus of Utah State University. This disease is one that disables many students from attending class, studying and caring about school in general. This is a legendary sickness often referred to as Senioritis. As a sufferer from Senioritis myself, it has been a goal of mine to try to find a cure for this devastating plague. Unfortunately though, in talking to several fellow seniors, it appears that this disease takes on many different forms. Senioritis may simply be a classification of several graduation-related diseases that could threaten the grade point average of every graduating senior. The results of this can be severe, possibly a rash of fitth-, sixth- and possibly even seventh-year seniors. Through countless hours of research, I have been able to discover and categorize three types of Senioritis. The first type of Senioritis is referred to as Graduphobia. This condition is one where the senior soon realizes the pressures of the "Real World" and then subconsciously ambushes his or her grades in an effort to remain in college. The senior is unaware of his or her condition at the time, but often reflects an attitude of apathy, stating phrases such as, "What are they going to do, flunk me?" Usually sufferers from this illness compare college to high school in thinking that no one really cares how good or bad he or she may do in the last semester in school. The second category of Senioritis is T.O.M.D. (They Owe Me Disease). If a senior suffers from T.O.M.D., he or she has usually done a mental inventory of how much has been spent on tuition, books and other fees over the past four years. When the total is realized, the senior then experiences feelings of anger and rage. A student suffering from T.O.M.D. may often say things like, "After all I have spent on this #$@!# college, I deserve a break. No way they will flunk me." Unfortunately though, professors usually do not understand the severity of T.O.M.D. and more often than not will go ahead and flunk that student. The final category of Senioritis is Lack Of Spouse for Eternity Reaction, often referred to as LOSER. This is a disease that is found predominantly at institutions in Utah. Students who suffer from LOSER are very similar to those with Graduphobia, as they both ambush their grades in hope of returning to college. The difference is that those who are afflicted with LOSER, want to return to college for the sole purpose of finding a spouse. They often feel that if they are not married, or at least engaged, by the time they graduate, they will be doomed to a life of loneliness and celibacy. Students with LOSER either continue to flunk classes in order to return to school until they find that elusive spouse, or they graduate and keep returning to school functions as a graduate, becoming the "Weird Old Person" that undergraduates make fun of. As one can see, Senioritis is more than just not wanting to go to class; it is a serious illness that has no cure. If you, or someone you know, are suffering from one of these three types of Senioritis, the best thing to realize that if you can get through this last month, there will be no more tests, no more lectures, no more finals. That should be enough to get you through any form of Senioritis, unless of course you are going to Graduate School. If that is the case, you need all the help you can get.
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