Where's your life's zest when you need it most?

By Sarah St. John

November 15, 2004 | It's one o'clock in the morning. Okay it's actually 11:30, but it feels like one o'clock. My room is a mess. Clothes and books are scattered everywhere and the only comfort my roommate can give is "At least you don't have underwear scattered on the floor." I guess that's a bonus. Added to this I just downed my day's total calorie consumption in 15 minutes. I am tired and cold and I still have this paper to write. I didn't procrastinate. I wrote a paper on river permits but I don't feel a connection to it, I can't find my voice. Welcome to my life.

Life is a tough and neglected issue. People write about death, cancer, suicide, depression, corruption, but all these things are simply facets of life. Life is neglected everyday and we do it to ourselves. What do I mean? You may try to deny it but much of what you do is because you are committed to other people. You have a sense of moral obligation and responsibility to be a productive citizen. That innate sense of responsibility forces us to take on roles that we don't really want.

Take one thing you love doing more than anything else in the world. For me it's kayaking. There is nothing in this world that makes me happier than feeling my muscles work against the current as I maneuver around rocks and holes. I love falling asleep on the sandy beaches listening to the river. Nights on the river are amazing. Everything is so clear. You know how bright the stars are in the fall when everything is so clean and sharp? That is how the sky looks every night on the river. I have never had a bad day or been unhappy on the river. This is where I find my solace. I would be content to stay there for the rest of my life. This is the one thing I want and yet deep down I know I can never have it. Why? It isn't practical.

You can't make a living being a river guide. Sooner or later your body will no longer keep up with your spirit and you are left with nothing but memories. A cruel but true irony of life.

For instance, for most of us school is a necessary evil. We don't enjoy it but it represents a rite of passage into the working world. There, hypothetically, we will find jobs that will allow us to make money, which will enable us to afford to do the things we love to do. But there are so many twists. Bills need to be paid, accidents happen. One minute you're ready to apply to law schools, the next minute you find out your mom may have cancer. That is life.

It's about ups and downs. Losing yourself and finding yourself over and over again. There is no solution and no easy way out. And in that attempt to find ourselves we often neglect ourselves. We get wrapped up in the unimportant but necessary things of homework and meetings. We try to please everyone and forget to please ourselves. It's a cruel joke. Motivational speakers always tell us to chase after our dreams or else we could "be living in a van down by the river." But no one is able to ascertain 100 percent of their dreams. If everyone did what they wanted, even if it was all good things, the world would be in anarchy. No one really aspires to be the sewage man, but without him life for the rest of us would be miserable.

I suppose I am just in one of those moods. The ones where you really think about what you are doing and if it's even worth it. Come tomorrow I may regret not using my river permit paper, but I think this issue is more important.

I don't have any answers. I wish I could turn this paper into an inspiration "go get 'em tiger, ra ra" speech, but I'm not Rocky Balboa. I guess there are just times when we have to suck it up and do stuff we don't want to do. We will constantly be putting our lives on hold in order to gain the approval from someone else, even if that someone else is our self. In this manipulative cycle, don't forget yourself. Don't forget the things that make you happy, because in the end life is a balancing act between responsibility and fun, and all too often responsibility wins out.

Remember the last time you looked at the stars without feeling that restlessness worrying about stupid members of the opposite sex or that midterm paper you should be working on? Me either. I guess it is time for another kayaking trip. Too bad it's November.

NW
MK